Shifting My Gaze from the Scale to My Father

May 3

“Jesus answered, ‘Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.’ The woman said to him, ‘Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.’”

John 4:13-15

When God invited me to take a closer look at Reform Online™, I was in a similar place to the woman at the well in John’s Gospel. I had spent years seeking a “silver bullet” solution for weight loss, energy, and order in my life. I was cautious about jumping into yet another program that I would follow for a little while only to cast aside because it “didn’t work.” I soon realized that this was no ordinary “program” for wellness. There were no promises that if I would “just follow these steps, eat these foods, and take these supplements, I would be a new person in 30 days.” Rather, the strategy was wholiness: learning to reorient every aspect of my life toward Christ. Reform’s approach was different, simple, and beautiful.

I approached Reform in the same way I imagined the Samaritan woman approached the well—tired, trying to hide, and knowing in her heart that all of the “things” she had tried in order to find peace, love, and fulfillment had been deeply unsatisfying. I had tried just about every program that came my way. I stuck with some, but most were just cast aside in a graveyard of sorts filled with protocol manuals, supplements, and my hope for ever being healthy, fit, and well.

I started following Reform on Instagram and took part in one of their workshops which gave me a glimmer of hope, and I promised myself that if I did this, I was going “all in.” And I did, until the first meeting when Jackie suggested that we “surrender our expectations for the next twelve weeks.” I couldn’t hope to lose ten pounds, gain energy, and have some control over cravings?

Reform seemed closer to spiritual direction than a weight loss program. Of course I wanted to grow closer to the Lord, but I wanted to make sure weight loss was included in the bargain. Yet I kept hearing, “Surrender your expectations,” over and over in my mind and decided that I needed to do that in order to move forward.

The beautiful part of letting go is that as I released my white-knuckled grip on what I wanted, I was left with open hands in a posture of receptivity that I had never experienced before in this area of my life. For the first time since I was a teenager, I didn’t have the pressure to lose weight, look a certain way, eat a certain way, exercise a certain way, etc. For the first time in over 30 years, I began to see myself as a beloved daughter of Christ which had nothing to do with my appearance, health, or performance.
As Reform gently led me through each pillar, God helped me to reorient each of those areas of my life toward Him, with Him, and through Him. He sat with me at the well, promising to give me Living Water as I let go of attempting to quench my thirst using every means the world offers.

Each time I strayed toward a shiny new supplement or program and its promises, He gently brought me back into his gaze and reminded me that if I kept going to those, I would remain thirsty. Only He could satisfy my thirst. Only He could bring freedom. During this constant reorientation of my focus, I came to terms with the reality that I’m not really thirsty for weight loss, a fit body, perfect health, approval of others, etc. I was thirsty for freedom. I was and am thirsty for the freedom that Christ offers, not the empty promises of the world. He was offering me freedom in the Living Water I found through Reform.

In his book, “Fire and Light,” Fr. Jacques Philippe explains, “Winning freedom doesn’t mean emancipation from all dependency, from all ties. Rather, it brings the ability to discern between the ties that imprison us and those that build us up.” (p.60-61) I needed help discerning what keeps me imprisoned and what builds me up. Reform continues to help in this discernment process. I want to be holy, happy, healthy, and free while continually reforming my life.

Going through Reform online is not a “one and done” program. It equips us to keep moving forward towards freedom in Christ. While I have implemented some changes in my mental and physical habits, I’m not in a rush to fix myself because I know that God loves us in our littleness and poverty, especially as we stay in His gaze.

God reminds me of this often as I watch my eight children struggle—particularly in the heat of a sporting event. Sometimes they are just having an off day and make bad decisions; sometimes they can’t shake a bad attitude. Either way, I don’t stand on the sidelines and yell at them or tell them to “pull it together.” They are learning to deal with the reality that things do not always move according to plan. The times when they struggle are the times when I feel deep love and compassion for them. In the midst of their struggle is when I just want to pull them close to me, hug them and tell them everything will be ok.

It’s a gift of parenthood and a beautiful reminder of how God (who is an infinitely superior parent) sees us and loves us in our poverty. Remaining in God’s loving gaze gives us the freedom to struggle and to be loved at the same time.

Freedom is simple but it is costly. It requires renunciation, discernment and a release of what we have allowed to grip us. It is the fruit of prayer, radical dependence, and receptivity. Our world and our health changes when we orient our lives this way. I have certainly begun that process with the help of Reform and by God’s grace will continue on this path towards wholiness with my family, friends, and this beautiful community.

This like from the Litany of Reform summarizes my experience: “To release my expectations and allow You to surprise me, Reform me Jesus.”

Deann Malcolm, Virginia